A while ago I wrote about my recovering from eating disorder. I chose the word ‘recovering’ very carefully because while I was writing it I was still binging on occasions and struggled with tendencies on a daily basis.
Now I’m going to take a leap and use the word recovered. I have recovered from my binge eating disorder 1 year after I developed it. I have recovered. It feels good to say it.
Is it too soon to say so? And what is too soon? How do you know exactly when you have recovered from a mental struggle because that is what eating disorders are. Just because one has stopped binging doesn’t mean he/she has stopped wanting to. Is there a ‘remission’ period like 2 years before one can say that they have recovered?
I decided to define my own recovery because I believe in positive affirmations. For the past month I have had no tendencies at all and I can stop eating very effortlessly. I can decline food when I’m not hungry and not have my mind obsess over wanting it. You may think that a month is too soon but to a person with eating disorder, 1 month is a big achievement because we obsess about food every waking hour. At least I did.
Now I can safely dip my spoon into a jar of almond butter for a spoonful and not have to worry that I might finish the whole jar in one sitting. Yes I am in control. Now I can safely buy a tub of ice cream and not have to hide it. Yes I am in control. Now I can eat out with friends and not feel the urge to clean my plate. Yes I am in control.
Day by day there are less battles in my head and I feel at peace with myself. If I had to choose 1 word to describe how I feel, it is liberated.
I hope you can find liberation in whatever struggles you have been going through and if you haven’t, don’t stop trying. You can take a break and be weak in the moment (God knows how many times I have broken down and clean off a whole big bag of chips and/or a tub of ice cream) but acknowledge that you are tired, that you just need a break from swimming against the current but pick yourself up the next day and work harder. I have done that and I can say it is worth it.
Have a wonderful Sunday my lovely friends.